Balancing Parenthood and Dating: Top Tips for Single Parents
When I work with single parents, something I often hear is, “There’s not just me to think about, so I have to get this right”. Thinking about dating in this way puts a lot of pressure on and can affect how confident and open you are with a potential partner.
What I’m sure you want is to feel empowered and excited about dating. So today I’m sharing my 8 essential tips that will increase your confidence and chances of finding The One.
Tip 1. Start talking to your children early
Once you’ve done the healing and released your old baggage from past relationships, and feel ready to start dating again, it’s important to have open conversations with your children.
Sit down with them and talk through what it’s going to be like when you start dating, how it may impact their lives, and what it might be like when they meet your new partner. This is the time to really listen to your children and understand any concerns they might have. Of course, you want to make sure you are having an age appropriate discussion with your kids. Young kids may be worried about the bedtime story routine, whereas teenagers may be more concerned that a new step-parent will try to parent them.
It’s important to remember though that through all of this you are the parent. It’s ok and normal for your children to have their worries, but don’t use that as a reason not to start dating. You can parent and guide your children through the process of change, and still honour your own choices.
Tip 2: Set a weekly fixed date night
As single parents we all know how necessary it is to be as organised as possible and plan ahead, because when life gets busy, if it’s not in your diary, it’s not happening!
It makes sense then, whether you’re dating or not, to establish a fixed, once a week, date night in your schedule.
Committing to a weekly date night helps establish a routine for your children and gives you time to get reliable childcare in place. And it’s a great way to start handling the challenges of this change well in advance of starting to date.
Until you start dating, this fixed night is for you. Take yourself to dinner, go to the movies, meet up with friends, whatever you like to do to relax, and have fun. And when you’re out there enjoying life, you never know who you might meet!
Tip 3: Date other single parents
No one is better placed to understand the challenges of single parenthood, than another single parent! They know a lot of the demands and responsibilities you’re handling, and that it’s not always possible to drop everything and be spontaneous.
This mutual understanding is a great starting point for building a solid relationship where both of you understand each other’s need to prioritise the wellbeing of your children when necessary.
Tip 4: Introduce your children early
Now I know this flies in the face of what you might usually hear, but I recommend introducing your children to your new partner fairly early into dating.
You can build things gradually and meet in casual settings so everyone can interact and have fun getting to know each other. And I suggest not leaving it too long before you take this step.
Our caution with doing it too soon is usually connected to fear of the kids getting attached and the relationship then not working, then they’ll get hurt. And of course, that’s a completely valid concern.
But the reality is you come as a package, so you also need to know how compatible your partner is with your children. If there’s no connection between them, do you want to carry on investing time if things may not progress?
Tip 5: Avoid the protection trap
It goes without saying that protecting your children’s emotions is always important. But, as with tip 1, make sure you don’t use it as an excuse to avoid dating altogether!
Children are resilient and can handle the ups and downs of dating and are able to bounce back and move on more quickly than we might think.
Loss is a natural part of life; it’s how we’re taught to understand and deal with it that’s important. And with your guidance, your children will learn how to process and adapt in healthy ways.
The truth is, you deserve to find a life partner and have a healthy and happy relationship. The only way to achieve this is to commit to the process, and that involves bringing your children in as well.
Tip 6: Avoid creating an instant family
Although you want to involve your children earlyish, it’s important not to try to create an instant family.
Once you’ve introduced them into the relationship, don’t now include them every time you spend time with your partner. It’s important to maintain couple time so you can get to know each other properly (this is where your fixed date night comes in).
Establishing healthy boundaries will allow time for just you and your partner, without the distraction of kids wanting your attention. And remember, you also need quality time alone with your children that’s independent of your dating life. Having these boundaries will help maintain a healthy balance as your family expands.
Tip 7: You’re building a family not just a couple
Building a family takes time and patience, so don’t be in any rush to start moving things along and hitting big milestones too soon, like moving in together or getting engaged.
There are multiple people involved, so take your time and let everyone adjust and adapt to the new situation.
A relationship takes time to develop, so let it happen naturally, and keep checking that everyone is happy and comfortable along the way.
Tip 8: Expect children’s mixed emotions
The one thing we’re never in control of is other people’s emotions, not even our children’s.
So, when you’re introducing your partner into your children’s lives, be aware that it’s common for there to be mixed emotions.
Your children may show resistance or change their behaviour around your partner for several reasons. Perhaps they want their parents back together, or maybe they’re hesitant to form a bond with your new partner.
Whatever it may be, the most important thing is to ask and then listen and provide support and reassurance. Often children need to know that your new partner is not a replacement but an addition to their other parent.
Again though, don’t let their mixed emotions derail you from dating. I hear parents say all too often that their children didn’t like them dating, so they decided to wait until they were grown and out of the house or off to school. That’s too many precious years to be giving up, so help your children to navigate the situation so you can all be happy.
I really hope you’ve found lots of value with these tips. Dating as a single parent can really be a magical experience, and you deserve that.
If you’d like more detail on each of these tips, I’ve recorded a short video which you can watch here.
Before I go, something I share with all my clients, whether they have children or not, is my ‘5+2 Dating Blueprint’. It really is a game changer for helping you get clear on what you’re looking for in a partner. CLICK HERE for all the details and create your own blueprint today!