Navigating Love and ADHD
In relationships, we all need understanding, patience, and unwavering support. And these foundational pillars are even more important for those navigating this journey with ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder).
With a son, a stepson, and a partner who was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 46, this neurodevelopmental condition is deeply interwoven into the fabric of my life and closest connections.
And, across my many years working with singles and couples with ADHD, my personal experience has helped me to bring a deeper understanding and in-depth knowledge of how this condition can impact dating and relationships.
So, let’s have a look at some of the common symptoms that come up for people, and how these can translate in relationships.
Forgetfulness can be misunderstood
We can all be a bit forgetful, but for someone with ADHD this often isn’t just the occasional forgetfulness but a regular daily occurrence. It might manifest in misplacing items, not replying to messages, and even forgetting to turn up for dates.
For the other person this can easily be misinterpreted as disinterest or neglect, which may tarnish the budding relationship before it’s even given a chance to grow or lead to resentment over the years together.
Understanding that this forgetfulness is a symptom of ADHD and not simply a character flaw or lack of care is crucial.
Hyperfocus is a double-edged sword
‘Focus’ has been a buzzword for so long now, and many of us feel it’s something we could do with more of in our lives! But for someone with ADHD, their tendency is often towards a lack of focus at one end, and hyperfocus at the other, which is extremely intense and all-consuming.
During the early stages of a relationship, this can feel very flattering because your partner seems so passionate and completely absorbed in you. Over time though the focus can wane, and the person who was once so attentive, now seems thoughtless and inconsistent. For many a partner, this shift in focus seems to come from one day to the next, leaving them feeling as if they’ve been totally forgotten.
Recognising that their focus might shift elsewhere as the relationship progresses, allows you to manage and set realistic expectations, and avoid disappointment. It’s also important to put in place structures to ensure that time together and the connection isn’t forgotten, as the relationship progresses, and other interests move to the forefront.
Embracing emotional volatility
Emotional ups and downs are a completely normal part of the human condition, and someone with ADHD will often move through the full range at lightning speed. It can feel like you’re on a rollercoaster as their emotions swing rapidly from anger to excitement to sadness…it can make you feel like your head is spinning!
What’s needed is for the partner with ADHD to create some self-awareness as to what their emotional triggers are, and to learn to step away when they recognise they’re being activated.
For the partner without ADHD, it’s easy to feel overshadowed by the intensity of their partner’s emotions. And if this is the case, it’s important that this is recognised so that space can be created for both to express how they’re feeling.
A priority in every loving relationship is patience and having a safe emotional haven when things become heightened. And for someone with ADHD this will really strengthen the relationship’s foundation and help them to feel safe knowing that they aren’t being judged for this emotional dysregulation.
Managing distractibility
On the flip side of being hyperfocused, a common symptom of ADHD is also being easily distracted. This can show up in many ways: from a first date where their eyes might regularly wander away from their date to anything and everything around them, to neglecting or overlooking household responsibilities once you’re living together or, the very common, starting things but getting distracted and not finishing them.
Over time this distractibility can lead to frustration in the other person, which often manifests as nagging, controlling, or parenting the ADHD partner, leaving them confused as to why they’ve changed and are no longer the loving, caring person they fell in love with.
Consciously creating a mutually supportive environment that includes some structure with schedules and/or reminders, can help both of you navigate this symptom, and ensure the household duties are tended to in a fair manner without overburdening the non-ADHD partner.
Communication is key
Great communication is the absolute bedrock of every relationship. So, the best way to navigate the challenges presented by ADHD, is with open, honest, and clear communication from both sides.
Conversations that are rooted in empathy and understanding allow you to create an environment where both partners feel seen, heard, and valued. And when these things are present a feeling of safety is created.
One thing to discover together is when is a good time to communicate? Often, the end of the day is not the best time because you’re tired, and when you have ADHD being tired often comes with a low frustration tolerance. If you or your partner take medication to manage the ADHD, then the evening is also the time when the medication has likely worn off.
To manage difficult conversations, I recommend setting a fixed time each week when you can have important discussions, and to arrange it at a time when ADHD symptoms are least likely to hijack the conversation. By putting in structures to aid in better communication, you’ll be able to minimise the downward spiral that leads to conflict.
It’s also worth mentioning that many a struggling couple has sought out couple’s counselling or therapy only to find it wasn’t helpful. Without a deep understanding of how ADHD impacts relationships, well-meaning therapists can focus too much on improving communication, without addressing the deeper ADHD symptoms of distraction, impulsivity, and hyperactivity. For this reason, it’s important to work with someone who understands deeply the common patterns of ADHD impacted relationships.
Establish structures and routines
Structures and routines are a great way to create consistent flow in daily life and minimise friction, which can help someone with ADHD to really thrive.
The key is ensuring that each person’s individual needs are accommodated. Introducing tools or apps that help with managing tasks, responsibilities, and habits that align with your partner’s focus cycles, can be hugely helpful in this area.
By having reminders booked into the schedule, it also removes this responsibility from the non-ADHD partner and lessens the likelihood of falling into a parent-child dynamic.
Take the time to learn about ADHD
ADHD is a condition that appears to be on the rise because we’re learning more and more about the genetic links, and especially the existence and persistence of Adult ADHD. As a result, more people are getting diagnosed later in life and are finally getting an explanation for their life-long challenges.
Taking the time to educate yourself (solo or together) about the science behind your loved one’s actions and reactions is incredibly powerful and will go a long way to reducing misunderstanding and friction in your relationship.
And for the person with ADHD who’s out on the dating scene, being confident and, when the time feels right, comfortable to share your experience of living with ADHD, will help future partners to understand your internal world more fully. While ADHD isn’t an excuse for certain behaviours, it is an explanation and one that can bring with it understanding and compassion.
Even without covering all the complexities of ADHD, I’m sure you can see that navigating this condition in dating and relationships comes with its challenges. However, with understanding, patience, and great tools and strategies, it’s entirely possible to create a beautiful relationship filled with mutual love and respect – and I share that from personal experience with my own partner.
If you’d like to explore the challenges, delights, and unique quirks of ADHD in relationships, I’d love you to book a free, no-obligation, Breakthrough Call with me. Together we can look at your personal situation and ways to support you with ensuring that ADHD becomes a part of your relationship that you can understand, navigate, and learn to appreciate.