Ready for Romance: Uncovering Common Self-Sabotaging Behaviours

Young or old, first love or next love, whatever stage you find yourself at, the journey to finding love can often come with its fair share of bumps in the road. 

Sometimes though, without realising it, along the way we can become our own worst enemy, and inadvertently self-sabotage our chances with dating and finding a long-lasting and fulfilling relationship. 

The good news is, there are some common ways that I see self-sabotage show up with singles. So, let’s look at what they are, and share some tips for changing them…

Uncertainty about your own beliefs and values

At the core of every healthy and happy relationship is compatibility, which is deeply rooted in shared values and beliefs. 

Being unclear on your values and beliefs can lead to mismatches that waste time and emotional energy for all involved. 

Really understanding who you are and what you stand for is the first step to finding a partner who truly complements you. It takes a little work and a willingness to be honest with yourself, however, it’s one of the most rewarding things you’ll ever do for your life.

The cloud of complaining and bitterness

I’m sure we’ve all had an experience of someone who’s a bit of a negative nancy and likes a good whing! It can really suck the fun out of spending time with them and dampen the whole mood.

Now, as you can image, when it comes to dating that’s not the energy you want to bring.

So, if your heart feels burdened and jaded by past disappointments, it’s essential to process and let go before you step back into the dating scene. Releasing unwanted emotional baggage will allow the true you to shine, and you’ll start to magnetically attract people who are a great fit for you.

Narrating the saga of your ex

It might be tempting to share stories of past relationships, particularly if your date directly asks you. BUT I urge you to tread with caution!

Delving too much into the “Ex” story right out of the gate, can create an invisible third person on your date…and no one wants the discomfort of that! Put yourself in the other person’s shoes – if they were recounting all the drama of their last relationship, how would you feel? For many that’s a big red flag right there!

So, keep the conversation focused on getting to know each other, and save the ex-stories for an appropriate time down the line.

Chasing illusions and ignoring red flags

Talking of red flags…

Beware of falling for an idealised version of the person you're dating, while ignoring glaring red flags! This is especially important when you’re a person who looks for the potential in people.

It can be so easy to create a fantasy caricature of who you think someone is (or can be), and the fantasy life you could live with them. The harsh truth is that dating potential is a slippery slope. After all, the greatness you see in them might not align with who they are or what they want for their life.

Remember to stay grounded and observe your date for who they truly are, not just the perfect image you have in your head.

The trap of people pleasing

Compromising on your needs and desires to keep another person happy is not the right foundation to build a healthy relationship from and leaves you vulnerable to attracting users and takers.

While every relationship requires give and take, the right partner will want your needs to be honoured just as highly as their own.

Of course, being a kind, loving, and supportive person are very attractive qualities. And, when they’re combined with a deep knowing of who you are and the value you bring to a relationship, plus an ability to clearly communicate your wants and needs – well that combination is intoxicating for the right person. 

Hiding behind a mask

Let’s be honest, it takes a lot of energy to keep presenting a polished version of yourself, rather than the real you, and you can only sustain it for so long.

Being someone you’re not wastes not only your time, but your dates time too. So, do both of you a big favour by being your true self, with all your fabulous quirks and unique traits. Trust me, life is so much easier and way more fun when you do!

And the truth is, authenticity is incredibly attractive and lays the foundation for a genuine, lasting connection – and you deserve that.

Letting fear dictate your moves

Making decisions out of fear rather than love and understanding can create shaky ground for a relationship.

When you’ve been hurt in the past or a relationship hasn’t worked out for whatever reason, it’s understandable that fear may be present. What if you fall for the wrong person again. What if you get hurt again. What if, what if…

You can what if yourself until the end of time, and potentially miss out on finding The One and having the relationship of your dreams. Or you can choose to learn from the past, let go of the fear, and open your heart and trust your instincts again.  

Dwelling on the negatives

Although it’s necessary to be aware of the red flags, spending your time looking for things you think are wrong or won’t work, can sometimes overshadow the good qualities your date has.

Remember, no one is perfect! Give people a chance by trying to keep a balanced perspective and recognise both their strengths and weaknesses.

Even if you aren’t sure if the person you met could turn out to be The One, I always recommend a 3 date rule. Giving the person 3 dates before you decide either way will help you to avoid falling into the negativity trap.

Seeking approval rather than following your heart

Relying too much on friends or family to green-light your date puts a lot of unnecessary pressure on your budding relationship.

And while it’s normal and often beneficial to seek their advice, you want to do so in a structured way. The best question to ask them, is not what do you think of my date but how did you find my behavior around them? Was I myself or did you feel I was acting differently than I normally would?

Remember that at the end of the day, it’s your happiness that matters the most. So, trust yourself and make decisions that move you towards your heart’s desires and be sure that you are asking for the right sort of input and guidance.

Monopolising the conversation

Communication is a two-way street, and if you monopolise things talking about yourself and your life, people will simply switch off…it’s human nature!

We all want to be seen and heard, so allow room in your conversations for both of you to express and learn about each other. The skill of listening as well as sharing is key to forming deeper connections.

And finally… don’t forget to flirt!

If you’re too busy doing all the talking, that often means there’s not much space left for flirting!

Flirting is the spice in the dating recipe and is what sets a date apart from a business meeting, or time spent with friends. So, don’t hold back – allow the playful comments and flirty glances to flow and let the magic unfold naturally!

So, there you have it – I wonder how many of these self-sabotaging behaviours you recognise from your own dating experiences?

And if you’re ready to break free from the self-sabotage and find The One, the most important place to start is with your beliefs, values and dealbreakers. You can learn more about this in my ‘5+2 Dating Blueprint’ webinar. I can honestly say working with the Blueprint has been a game changer for every one of my clients. CLICK HERE for immediate access and feel free to get in touch if you’d like to take the conversation further.