12 Different Types of “Singles” You Are Likely To Meet while Online Dating
Has it happened to you multiple times? You meet a great person, there is amazing chemistry and things start off wonderfully, only to find out a short time later that they weren’t looking for anything serious. Or even worse, the person you were seeing disappears without a word, never to be heard from again.
In the world of dating, you would think that the lines between married or committed - and single and available would be clear. But the reality is… often they are not.
When you dated in your earlier years, single had a very clear meaning. It meant you were not in a relationship, and no one was of the belief that they were in a relationship with you.
Dating later in life however is not so black and white, and comes with a multitude of grey shades.
By understanding the 12 different types of “singles” you are likely to meet after divorce, you will be able to ask the right questions and will be better equipped to avoid getting into dead end relationships in the future.
1. Never had a long-term committed relationship
This type of single may state that they haven’t married or committed to anyone simply because they haven’t met the right person or because they spent the last decade focusing on their career.
This could turn out to be an amazing partner who is clear on what they want in life, and they were simply holding out for the right person. Getting together with someone like this may develop into a fantastic, long-term committed relationship where both of you will be incredibly happy.
Or, it could be a red flag.
It could be an indicator that either they have issues with commitment or difficulty staying in a relationship after the honeymoon period ends.
Be especially cautious of the person who has a long history of 3-6 month relationships and appears to be trying to move the relationship ahead very quickly. They may start out the relationship with good intentions but then get scared and want to abandon the relationship even before the honeymoon is over.
2. Long-term committed relationship but did not marry
Alternatively, you may come across a single who was in a long term relationship but chose not to marry. There can be several different reasons for this – one common one being a fear of commitment.
If you are not looking for a long-term committed relationship, this may not be an issue for you. However if you are, be aware that science shows that couples that never marry are less likely to stay together long-term. There is something about the decision not to make a permanent commitment to marriage that leaves the relationship on a somewhat temporary footing.
If you are looking for security and commitment, be cautious when dating the never married single. You will need to clarify your beliefs about commitment and marriage early on in the relationship to make sure you are on the same page about where the relationship could potentially go in the future.
If you find that the two of you don’t share this value then be careful in continuing in this relationship. You may find yourself hoping and waiting for something which will never come.
3. All my ex’s were crazy
No matter what their past relationship history is, anyone who claims all their past relationships ended because their ex partner was crazy is a definite red flag to watch out for.
This shows that they don’t take responsibility for their role in past relationships and that they are unlikely to do so in the future. They put the blame on the other person for challenges and conflicts that arise in the relationship and aren’t committed to working through these problems which are part of the “power struggle” phase of every relationship.
This type of person will likely find fault in you at some point in the relationship, leading them to exit the relationship when the first sign of conflict arises.
4. Soon-to-be-separated
If you are entering the online dating world, this is a potential match you will have a high probability of meeting. This person is married, still living with their spouse, but has started to entertain the idea of leaving the relationship.
They will present themselves as single and available to the outside world while still maintaining an ongoing level of involvement in their marriage. They will often tell you the marriage has been over for years, and will complain of a sexless marriage, a spouse that doesn’t understand them, having married the wrong person, or being stuck in a boring marriage of convenience.
At this stage, their spouse may or may not be aware of their thoughts to leave the marriage. As a result, they may make plans and then subsequently have to cancel dates frequently due to marital commitments.
Often times people who are considering separating from their spouse are uncertain if it is the right move and will spend a lot of time considering the financial constraints, change in lifestyle and/or their sense of obligation towards the children.
Online dating presents a fairly easy way for married people to see what the outside world has to offer, while being relatively discrete and non-threatening.
Dating the soon-to-be-separated single will quite often lead to heartbreak because they are in the middle of the decision making process and their interest in a new partner has more to do with helping them end their marriage than it does with starting a new relationship. They are a long way from being emotionally ready to enter a new relationship, as they haven’t even begun the process of physical separation yet.
This person may end up deciding to stay with their spouse. Or it could be that after meeting you, they believe that they can do better outside the marriage, and decide to leave the marriage, but not to be with you.
Be aware that starting a healthy, fulfilling relationship with a person who has one foot still in another relationship is the exception and not the rule. They will still need to go through the grieving and healing process after their divorce is finalised and once they are stronger, they may realize that you are not the person they are looking for.
5. Separated
Separating from your spouse is a major life decision and not one that most people take lightly. Because divorce actually takes place on three levels, physical, emotional and legal it isn’t a single event but one that takes place over months and sometimes years.
Moving into another room in the house, or moving out entirely is the start of the physical separation but you have no idea where that person is in terms of emotional separation.
6. Living separately from spouse but haven’t filed for divorce yet
People who fall into this category may often still be on the fence as to whether or not divorce is the right decision for them.
They may have moved in with a friend, family member or into a furnished apartment to get some distance from the marriage in order to “figure out what they want”. Or, their spouse may have asked them to leave, or decided to leave them, and they are left with a shattered life, trying to pick up the pieces.
In many cases, this type of separated person resembles the soon-to-be-separated individual on an emotional level, but they have started the process of physical separation.
When starting to date this person, it is important to understand where they are in the process, and who initiated the separation. Ask them if they could imagine reconciling and if they are sure that divorce is what they want. If you aren’t given a clear answer, or they indicate that they are still in pain from the separation, take note as this is a red flag and that they are probably not ready for a new relationship yet.
It could mean that you might be in for a surprise down the road when they decide to return home to their spouse and try again.
7. Living separately from spouse, have filed for divorce, but are making no progress
This person will be further down the road towards cutting all ties than the person who hasn’t filed for divorce, but don’t think they are free and clear yet.
I have seen and heard of many a distraught client who after dating this person for years, finds out that they are still not divorced, and therefore cannot take the relationship to the next level or remarry. This can be very frustrating for the partner who has been patiently waiting on the sidelines for the divorce to be finalised.
One common reason can be that they are too afraid to let go of their old life. It may not have been their choice to end the marriage and so they can’t seem to fully let go. There may also be a sense of comfort in keeping the legal connection intact and they have no interest in making it final.
The legal status may also have a hidden advantage in that it gives them an excuse to limit their ability to fully commit to a new partner.
If you are dating or in a relationship with a person whose divorce has stalled, you will want to have a discussion as to the reason why. It is important for you to understand their intentions and their expectations for finalising their divorce to understand the potential impact on your relationship.
8. Living separately from spouse, have filed for divorce and are actively progressing the divorce
When you start dating someone new, most people are looking for a person with integrity. Someone who has made the decision to end their marriage and is taking the necessary steps to make it happen, is someone of high integrity.
This potential partner will likely show up in a new relationship with a clear vision for what they want and be willing to match their words and actions.
Although you may have some initial drama as their divorce is finalized, if things appear to be progressing steadily it may not be long until their marriage is fully behind them.
Going through the divorce process with them will also give you a lot of information about the type of person they are. How do they speak about their ex-spouse? Are they generally kind and looking for solutions or very hurtful and revengeful?
There is a saying, that you don’t really know someone until you divorce them. The reason is that going through a highly stressful experience like divorce, will either bring out the worst in a person or reveal the best in them.
9. Divorced
Being divorced is different than coming out of a long-term relationship.
Long-term relationships have a different underlying assumption. They are based on the assumption that we will be together as long as it continues to suit both of us. It may last the rest of our lives, but it may also not.
No one enters marriage with the intention to one day get divorced. This means that you entered into a bond with another person with the hope that it would be forever. When you come through a divorce you are aware that you now have a failed marriage.
Being divorced comes with a different amount of heartache, broken trust, lost dreams, fears and issues than the end of a long-term relationship. Not to mentioned the required untangling of finances, property and extended family relationships. The complexity of the divorce process may make some people more reluctant to make another commitment in the future.
For this reason, it is important to understand the length of time that has passed since your partner separated from their spouse. The longer the marriage lasted, the more emotionally entwined the couple was likely to be and the longer the grieving process typically lasts.
The recently divorced will come with more issues than the person who has been divorced for a longer period of time. The recently divorced may still be grieving, still getting used to the new life situation as well as custody arrangement with the children.
If a divorced single has had one or two relationships since their divorce, they will likely have learned a great deal about themselves and what they are looking for in a partner.
For this reason, starting a new relationship while still in the process of disconnecting from an ex spouse, and establishing a new life, may lead to challenges that a budding new relationship may not be strong enough to withstand.
To avoid getting yourself involved with a divorced single who isn’t fully ready for a new committed relationship, it is important to have very clear discussions early on in the relationship. Try to understand what they are dealing with and how you can help to support them. The more supported and understood they feel, the less likely they will be overwhelmed by the new situation and feel the need to pull away.
Having said that, many divorced singles make for wonderful partners. They have a sense of clarity and vision that only comes with the experience of divorce. They have learned from their mistakes and will make every effort not to repeat them in the future.
10. Divorced husband or wife
In some cases, a couple may be legally divorced but may fail to truly sever the emotional bond between them.
In these situations, you will come across the “divorced” husband or wife.
These people will be divorced on paper, will live separately, but will still continue to act as if they are husband and wife. They will state that they have stayed “really good friends” or it could be that they are “doing it for the children”.
You may see them vacationing together, spending holidays together and having regularly scheduled “family time” together.
Why is this person someone to be aware of while dating?
Well, unless you like being the third wheel in a relationship, there is a high probability that you will never truly feel that your partner is completely free to be with you.
The reason is that their ex-spouse will often take priority over you. They have more history together, stronger emotional ties and there is a fear that if they don’t put their ex first they could lose what is left of their bond.
Relationships with the divorced husband or wife can often leave you feeling unfulfilled, underappreciated and resentful over time. Once again, grown up, adult communication is required here to clarify your needs and expectations for the relationship in order to negotiate boundaries and expectations that will lead to a fulfilling relationship for you both.
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